Fighting futility

Today i feel low, firstly ive been fighting off what i thought was just a cold but has now turned into a full blown chest infection topped off with a side order of asthma, which always flares up when im ill.

Secondly we had another appointment with a clinical psycologist and community nurse in the vain hope they may be able to offer some answers and support to Logan's behaviour.  I emerge from the meeting to the news that we are now on their 18 week waiting list.  I get back into my car look out the window and scream in my head.

I suppose i should know by now, after too many of these meetings with various specialists, that there is no cure for logan's autism and these specialists can offer no magic wand, no special answer.  Its all so futile 

I sit there and think it, i know i shouldnt but it justs hit me in a wave of emotion, as if a boxer has just landed a knockout punch i lay on the mat exhausted and delirious and not knowing what to do next.  Is it all so futile, are all my efforts in vain.

As i drive home i curse myself for feeling like this, as if it is some personal failure of my character.  I try to answer the question in my head,  yes it is hard having an autistic child and facing all the associated problems but there is one thing that is for certain that i will never give up.  Saying this to myself my spirits begin to rouse, as if  ive reached the count of eight in the boxing ring, i am back upright and ready to face the next punch coming my way.

So is it futile.............Never!!!!